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Post Info TOPIC: Old Timer Jokes


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Old Timer Jokes
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Post Away!!

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Doc


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OK.....I'll start......

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."



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Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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LOL w00t.gif

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Doc


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-- Edited by Mrs doc on Monday 7th of September 2009 09:29:58 AM

-- Edited by Doc on Sunday 27th of September 2009 09:25:55 AM

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Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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LOL!!!

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BOB



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Jay, I thought you got a "Clean" slate with this new board?.....WOW, didn't take long to get right back in da doghouse.............you gonna need company??....LOL

Keep em commin....got me in stiches!

spin.gifspin.gifspin.gif

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Monte Carlo   "Born on the track........Driven on the Street"


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Dave, that was with my blessingbiggrin I just love that joke, my boss sent it too meno, it was funny though.......

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Sunday Morning Sex

I will never hear church bells ringing without smiling.

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother, and to comfort her. When she asked her grandmother how he died, her grandmother replied, "he had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no" my dear, replied granny. "Many years ago, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start ringing. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding, out on the dong. She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if that **%#&& ice cream truck hadn't come along".smile

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I called my friend the Doc Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, the doc showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then the doc explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

I left the doc's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called ' MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my spouse drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on the doc?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
the doc was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew the doc had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.

The doc had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to the doc that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said the doc, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

The doc was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when the doc told me that it was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my spouse saying that my head is not up
there?'




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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH
CARE PLAN:
-
(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
-
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
-
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
-
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
-
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."
-
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
-
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,"is
not a typographical error.
-
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
-
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
-
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:
-
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he C RIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM O.K.?!!'



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Dave, verrrry nice, love your new sig heart.gif

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Mrs doc wrote:

Dave, verrrry nice, love your new sig heart.gif



Thank you, Joe does great work doesn't he?

 



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nod.gif yes he does.......

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Doc


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'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's run upstairs and make love, and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


************************************************************

My grandson got lost at a big shopping mall.
He  went to the lost and found window and said,
"I've lost my grandpa Rocky!"
"The  man asked, "What's he like?"
My Grandson replied,"Coors beer and women with big boobs!!!


-- Edited by Doc on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 07:27:21 PM

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Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday  
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his  girlfriend. 
 
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. 
 
The old man said, 'No; I'd like to see something more special.' 
 
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought  
=0 Aanother ring out.  'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said. 
 
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with  
excitement.  The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.' 
 
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,  
'By check.  I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now  
and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds.  I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.' 
 
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.' 
 
'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!' 
 
All Seniors Aren't Senile!!  rofl.gif

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your name?" 

 

"Morris Fishbein," he replied. 

 

"Sir,” she asked, “How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" 

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.  I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."



-- Edited by Doc on Monday 14th of September 2009 06:20:32 PM

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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I know that feeling! everytime I talk to my service writer!

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Very funny Doc, but so true now a days.  Seems like Customer service, means the customer must "service" the representatives!  Never can get a straight answer, just a bunch of corpspeak.




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S B D .............(silent but deadly)...................LOL






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Doc


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Old  Fart Football  

An  old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the  old man passes gas and says,  'Seven Points.'  


His  wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
world was  that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart  football.'

A few minutes later his  wife lets one go and
says
'Touchdown,  tie score.'

After about five  minutes the old man lets
another one go and says,  
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'  


Not  to be outdone the wife rips out another
one and  says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'  

Five seconds go by and she lets  out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal,  I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.  

He refuses to get beaten by a  woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat  is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's  got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.  

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?'


The  old man says, 'Half time, switch  sides.
  

-- Edited by Doc on Sunday 27th of September 2009 09:23:11 AM

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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And MD, puts on her new CD and wins, but 3500 points!biggrin

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Doc


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Two old guys were chatting..... 
 One said to the other: 
 "My 85th birthday was yesterday. 
 The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded: 
 "Wow, that's amazing!!..... 
 Imagine, an SUV!!.. 
 What a great gift!"
First guy: 
 "Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"


-- Edited by Doc on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 06:44:02 PM

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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An 86-year-old man went for a physical.  All of his tests come back with
normal results.  The doctor said, “George, everything looks great.  How
are you doing mentally and emotionally?  Are you at peace with God?”

George replied, “God and I are tight!  He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom… poof!  The light goes on.  When I'm done… poof! The light
goes off.”

“Wow, that's incredible,” the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called George's wife.  “Ethel,” he
said, “George is doing fine!  But I had to call you because I'm in awe of
his relationship with God.  Is it true that when he gets up during the
night to go to the bathroom that, Poof!  The light goes on in the
bathroom, and when he's done, Poof!  The light goes off?”

“Oh, my Lord!” Ethel exclaimed, “He's peeing in the refrigerator again!”

 



-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 08:57:32 PM

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Ms. Unflat:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Unflat, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.


-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 08:10:13 PM

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Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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After the eighty -three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:  " Bob, do we still have intercourse?" And there was a hush you could hear a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once Pauline, I told you a hundred times...

What we have is


Blue Cross!"



__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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American Association Retired People Info..
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q:   Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A:   Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q:   What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:   Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement.  When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q:   Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Isthat true? Where can it be found?
A:   Yes. Matthew 14:92: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt   ...'
Q:   How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A:   Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:   How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:   Take off your glasses..
Q:   Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:   Go braless.. It will usually pull them out.
Q:   Why should 60+ year old people usevalet parking?
A:   Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:   Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:   Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
Q:   As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:   Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:   Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A:   On their foreheads.
Q:   What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:   'Gosh, I remember these


-- Edited by Doc on Friday 30th of October 2009 01:36:46 PM

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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Papa and Mrs. Doc, shame these are Fresh!

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But oh so true, Anthony.....biggrin

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Doc got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.
He can barely walk, but when he farts, MD says the room smells awesome!

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Doc


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Good one Dave!!!

__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!!


-- Edited by Doc on Saturday 21st of November 2009 12:46:58 PM

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Things you notice when you get "older". hmm




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dont have to be old for that one lmao.gif

Those are making me hungry lmao.gif

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Dirty old man hmmmmmmmm post more lol

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Hello Baby!!!!!

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The Maniac is embarrased

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Hmmmm, What kind of seatbelt would you suggest?......I say "over da shoulder, boulder holder" would work best........LOL

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F16 vs. C-130



A C-130 was lumbering along when a ****y F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

We older folks understand this one


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twomanymontes wrote:

F16 vs. C-130



A C-130 was lumbering along when a ****y F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

We older folks understand this one



LOL ... yes, we, older folks do know. Reminds me of a joke from the movie, Colors. (excuse me if I've posted this before)

An old bull and a young bull are looking down on a pasture full of cows. The young bull says to the old bull, "why don't we run down there and screw one of those cows?" The old bull replies, ... why don't we walk down and screw them all!!!"

 



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Geritol & Viagra Doc, works every time!!!..................LOL



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A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room.

As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering, young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs? "

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Well, Yes Sir , I sure am" .

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands really darn good, 'cause I want a cheeseburger."



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Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts
around Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK.  It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."


 Most old timers are helpful like that!



-- Edited by Tonys57chevy on Saturday 13th of February 2010 03:11:55 PM

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An elderly woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.


After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What's the matter with you?" the older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is
61 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"


The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"


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Ok Doc is going to love this one! LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7lSliucgygc

-- Edited by twomanymontes on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:19:19 PM

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twomanymontes wrote:

Ok Doc is going to love this one! LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7lSliucgygc

-- Edited by twomanymontes on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:19:19 PM



clap.gifclap.gifthumbsup.gifthumbsup.gif

That was too funny ........ and true! giggle.gif

 



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I knew you'd like that one! LOL!

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I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 61.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 

'Oh no,' I replied.. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' 
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 
'No, I don't,' I said. 
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 
'No,' I said.  
 He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a poop?



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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."



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Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

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