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Post Info TOPIC: Old Timer Jokes


Veteran Member

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Date: Mar 18, 2010
RE: Old Timer Jokes
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A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."



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Doc


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Date: Mar 20, 2010
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A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, were all going to Disneyland!


__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Apr 3, 2010
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Getting old in Florida
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Bonita Springs , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'
The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'
The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'
The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'
**********************************************************
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..
The third old lady remarked, 'I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
**********************************************************
A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench. After a few moments, the woman asks, 'Are you a stranger here?'
He replies, 'I lived here years ago.'
'So, where were you all these years?'
'In prison,' he says.
'Why did they put you in prison?'
He looked at her, and very quietly said, 'I killed my wife.'
'Oh!' said the woman. 'So you're single...?!'
**********************************************************


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Apr 3, 2010
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Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.
The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me?'
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered 'Yes. Yes, I will!'
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. 'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her..
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'
He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued, 'And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A man was telling his neighbor in Miami , 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids


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Senior Member

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Date: Apr 6, 2010
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A senior citizens' group charters an overnight gambling casino
bus trip from Tampa , Florida to Branson , MO.

As they entered Missouri , an elderly woman comes up to the
bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'

The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down.

A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and
claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a
bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says
that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the
first rest area.

When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man
on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.

'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but
every time I try to grab it it runs away!'


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Doc


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Date: Apr 14, 2010
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When I was 13, I dreamed that one day I would have a girlfriend with big breasts
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big breasts, but we really didn't have anything in common so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so
ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I much older and wiser now, and I looking for a girl with big breasts


__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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Date: Apr 18, 2010
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Best joke for 2010 so far:


George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.


Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.


Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.


Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.


When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply.


The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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Guru

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Date: Apr 24, 2010
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HERE ya go Doc......................Right up your alley!!!

NOTICE
TO ALL SENIOR CITIZENS
Due
To the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program
(System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse's or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

However, persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much s h i t (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves
On the amount of s h i t they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough s h i t, please bring this to the
Attention of your Congressman or Congresswoman, who has been trained to give you all the s h i t you can handle.

Sincerely yours,

The committee for the ECONOMIC VALUE OF INDIVIDUAL LIVES (EVIL).
P.S. Due to the most recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL has been turned off.

TRUTH BE TOLD!!!

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Monte Carlo   "Born on the track........Driven on the Street"
Doc


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Date: May 7, 2010
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THE BOTTLE OF WINE

  For all of us who are married, were married, wish
 you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
 is something to smile about the next time you see a
 bottle of wine:
 
 Sally was driving home from one of her business
 trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
 Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
 
 As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
 the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
 a ride.
 
 With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
 the car.
 
 Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
 a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
 woman just sat silently, looking intently at
 everything she saw, studying every little detail,
 until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
 Sally.
 
 'What in bag?' asked the old woman.
 
 Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
 a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'
 
 The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
 two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
 she said:
 
 'Good trade.....' 

 

 



__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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Date: Jul 3, 2010
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With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'


'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!'  she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?'  I demanded.  'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

 
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
  


__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Jul 23, 2010
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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch".

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth back and forth the light shimmering off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor shattering into a hundred pieces.

'SH*T!' Said The Hypnotist.

...it took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.



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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Jul 23, 2010
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When asked by a young patrol officer "Do You know you were speeding"?

This 83-year-old woman talked herself out of a ticket by stating.....

"Yes, but....I had to get there before I forgot where I was going".

Makes perfectly good sense to me.


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Doc


Administrator

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Date: Oct 7, 2010
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TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.


AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL



THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.



THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'



THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,


'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'


'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'



'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'



'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'





'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'


__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator

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Posts: 2150
Date: Jan 5, 2011
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Statistics on Airport Screening from the Department of Homeland Security:


Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3





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Moderator

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Date: Jan 13, 2011
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Choosing a Wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.



The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.





The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.





The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.





Obviously, the man was impressed.





The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.



Men are like that, you know.
And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
If you don't send this to five OLD friends right away, here will be five fewer people laughing in the world.


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Doc


Administrator

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Date: Jan 15, 2011
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Since more and more seniors are texting, tweeting & emailing there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).  If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you: Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

ATD:  At The Doctor's
BFF:  Best Friend Farted
BTW:  Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT:  Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM:  Covered By Medicare 
CGU:  Can't get up 
CGIU:  Can't get IT up
CUATSC:  See You At The Senior Center
DWI:  Driving While Incontinent
FWBB:  Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW:  Forgot Where I Was
FYI:  Found Your Insulin
GG,PBL:  Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA:  Got Heartburn Again
HGBM:  Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO:  Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO:  Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL:  Living On Lipitor
LWO:  Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR:  On My Massage Recliner
OMSG:  Oh My! Sorry, Gas. 
PIMP:  Pooped in my pants
ROFL... CGU:  Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP:  Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL:  Talk To You Louder
WAITT:  Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA:  Wet The Furniture Again
WTP:  Where's The Prunes?
WWNO:  Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI:  (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

 



__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Senior Member

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Posts: 127
Date: Jan 19, 2011
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Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble. So he follows them..
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks...

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they
erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This
goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there
some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence!'



__________________
1987 Aerocoupe - stock
1985 SS rebuilt LT1 rebuilt 4L60e rebuilt 3.42 posi handling brake upgrades too much rebuilding not enuff mileage!


Guru

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Date: Jan 22, 2011
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"Shocking"...........LOL

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Monte Carlo   "Born on the track........Driven on the Street"
Doc


Administrator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.


I
know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.


The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the
Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.


The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't
come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.


The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is
something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.


The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'


'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.


The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'


'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.


The waiting room erupted in laughter.


Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!





__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Posts: 5491
Date: Feb 19, 2011
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NEW BOOTS

Margaret and Bert moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "notice anything different NOW?"


Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"


Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"'

"Nope", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."



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There is no such thing as Too Many Montes
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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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Italian Fire Department...

One dark night in the small town in Garfield, NJ,a fire started inside
the local sausage factory.

In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to
all the fire departments for miles around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appearedon the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our
secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They
have to be saved,so I will donate $50,000 to the fire companythat
brings them out and delivers them to me.'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation
became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president announced that
the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000to the fire
department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi, NJ. The
volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over
the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the
plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old
timers jumped off and began tofight the fire as if they were fighting to
save their own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had
extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such
a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian
firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, 'What are you going to do
with all that money?'

'Wella,' said Chief Pasquale De Luccinelli, the 70-year-old fire chief,
'de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa de brakes on dat fockinna truck!'

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this test.

Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P_N_S
4. PU_S_
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
\/





Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong, didn't you?
You do NOT have an Alzheimer's Problem, you have a Sex Problem

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Moderator

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Date: Feb 20, 2011
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rofl.gif  Thank you Dave for that one.. biggrin.gif

__________________


Guru

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Date: Feb 20, 2011
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I took this problem to a local mathamatician, he said I was full of crap, but that he could work it out wid a pencil........LOL

__________________
~Dave~
Monte Carlo   "Born on the track........Driven on the Street"


Senior Member

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Posts: 127
Date: Mar 10, 2011
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BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


(scroll down)










"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


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A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.’
'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line.'

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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE  and asked, "Honey, do you remember this?" 
 
  

He looked up from his newspaper and said "Yes dear, I do. You wore  that same negligee the night we were married." 
 
 
She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that  night?" 
 
   
 
He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said, Oh baby, I'm going to suck the  life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." 
 
   
 
She giggled and said "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty  years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say  tonight?" 
 
 
He looked her up and down and said,  ......... “Mission Accomplished." 
 



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Sitting on the side of the a speeding drivers, a Massachusetts state
trooper sees a car puttering along at 24 mph. He thinks to himself,
"This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his
lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies
- two in the front seat, and three in the back, wide-eyed and white
as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I
don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit. What seems to
be the problem?"

The trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "24"
was the Route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the
woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, "is everyone in this car
OK? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 128."

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Slow day at work, caught up on my old fart jokes.

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An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat." "But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"



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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...


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Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
get-attachment.aspx?uid=30524800&folder=NewMail&partId=3
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


5. Write partners name on your hand in case you can't remember.


6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.


7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.


8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf, too.


9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!


10. Don't even think about trying it twice.
 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
Your sweetie says, 'Lets go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
You are cautioned to slow down by the
 doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN
... 
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
 
getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


'OLD' IS WHEN...
 
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.


'OLD' IS WHEN....
 
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
 
 


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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?


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Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



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An "Age-relevant" analogy...










A man's age, as determined by a trip to Home Depot...


You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house...
mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or
whatever...
You are hot, sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on.
You know the outfit...shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt
with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you
need to run to Home Depot, to get something to complete the job.

Depending on your age, you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing, shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes.
Check yourself in the mirror, and flex.
You add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know... you just might
meet some hot chick...while standing in the checkout lane.

And, you went to school, with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt and change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else.

You wash your hands and comb your hair

and check yourself in the mirror...Still got it!

You add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the perspiration smell.
The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went
to school with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts, put on different shoes, a ball-cap

and wash your hands.
Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste
any of it on a trip to Home Depot.
You check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in, than flexing.
The hot young thing, running the register is your daughter's age...

You feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands on
your shirt, change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new

Corvette sports car.
You check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore
because it makes you look fat.
The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming, and you
think you still have it.
Then you remember, the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar...
it says...'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing...No need for a hat anymore.
You hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you
were in your 50's.
You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your
pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your
glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. You wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store
has your prescriptions ready, too...don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you...and you realize your balls
are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing...Start again...Then stop again.
Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.
You go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you
are looking for, fart out loud.

You think someone called out your name.
You went to school with the mother of the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe?

Something for my garden?
Where am I?

Who am I ?

Why am I reading this?
Did I send it?

Did you?

Who farted?


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There was a
bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was
ready to pay
for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a
mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running
amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking
and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit
card.

I have been asked
to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions
to us seniors a little
clearer!

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An elderly lady was invited to an old friend's home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were
still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is.'

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All you Grandpas and Grandmas, this is too funny not to forward.


We are all reaching that stage where we need to keep the wax out of our ears and keep the hearing aids tuned up. Enjoy!





--- What Is Couple Sex?





An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"


The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.


Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.


When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.


Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"


The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

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OMG!!!! Now that was funny...thank you Dave 



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Any time Ma!

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