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Post Info TOPIC: Joke Of The Day
Doc


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Date: Feb 21, 2010
RE: Joke Of The Day
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Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations..
 
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
 
   Albert A. Gore 
   Hillary Rodham
   John F. Kerry
   William J. Clinton
   Howard Dean
   Nancy Pelosi
   Dianne Feinstein
   Charles E. Schumer
   Barbara Boxer
 
  See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses?
  I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.. It did for me..


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THERE WERE THREE MEN WANTING TO GET MARRIED. THEY EACH WANTED A HOUSEWIFE TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THEM.

The first man married a woman from CONNECTICUT. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from PENNSYLVANIA. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from the SOUTH. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm had healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.





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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Three Rednecks were working on the Bell South tower
Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says,
"Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her
husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered
the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a auditor....

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A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"



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owweh yas 2 detnaw tsuj i taht tuo dnif u nehw gnitatirri yrev ti dnif yam u..... CONFUSED?? now read it backwards!!

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If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?



How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?



Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?





Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?



Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?



If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?



Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?



Why do doctors leave the room while you change?

They're going to see you naked anyway.



Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?



Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?



Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

They're both dogs!



If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?



If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?



Why did you just try singing the two songs above?



Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?



Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why






Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?



Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?



Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?



Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?



Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?



Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?



Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?



Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?



If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?



Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?



Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?



Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?



Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?



Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?



How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?



When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt , why don't you watch where you're going?'



Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?



In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?





How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.



Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

~~~Now send this on to your friends and make them smile too!~~~

****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****


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The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use

An outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer

And freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on

The bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old

Outhouse straight into the creek.





One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy

Decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He

Found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into

The creek and floated away.





That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after

Supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It

Was you, wasn't it son?"



The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read

In school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and

Didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."



The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree







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An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church..


'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'


The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'


Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'


This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.


'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..



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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.




The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.







A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'







A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'







One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'







I love this one!


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'









A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'




I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'





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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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Date: Mar 14, 2010
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LOL......Methinks you got into da "Habit" at too early an age!! Remember you ain't allowed to have "nun" on Fridays!

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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I,
listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife?s arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.........

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Been There, Done That..........Paid for it BIG TIME!!!

Remember "This too shall pass"!..................LOL

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Doc


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Harry Reid Buys A Car.

Sen. Reid goes to a local GM dealer in Washington , D.C. With the intention of buying a brand new vehicle. Harry looks around and finds one he likes.

 

After going back and forth with the salesman, Harry settles on a price of $45,000.

 

 Harry and the salesman go back to the office to complete the paperwork. Harry works out a 4 year payment plan, and signs on the bottom line.

 

The salesman shakes Harry's hand and says, "Thanks Senator Reid, the car will be ready for pickup in 4 years."

 

Harry says, "What are you talking about?  Where are the keys to my new car?"

 

The salesman replies, "No, you don't understand Senator. You make payments for 4 years...

 

THEN we give you the car.  You know, just like your health plan".



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4 Worms Church Sermon!

For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol- Dead



The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead




Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead



Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What did you learn from this demonstration???



Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,



'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'




That pretty much ended the service


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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog.

They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.

Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and Complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world.

The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast as he could!



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Painting the Church

There was a canny painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.



As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.







Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..



(you're going to love this)





"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"







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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Here's my solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the  airports. 

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you! 

It would be a win-win for everyone - there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and would eliminate a long and expensive trial.  Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed! 

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..." 

Perfect!!!! 



-- Edited by twomanymontes on Saturday 3rd of April 2010 08:32:22 PM

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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The Rabbit and the Blonde



A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.


The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,

pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.


The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a

man crying on the side of the road and pulls over..

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible,"he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The blonde says, " Don 't worry."

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp,dead rabbit,bends down,and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,turns around and waves again,

he hops down the road another 10 feet,turns and waves,

hops another ten feet,turns and waves,

and repeats this again and again and again,until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



"Hair Spray -


Restores life to dead hair,

and adds permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!


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Doc


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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the Father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No, the woman replied. I'm with  the IRS.'


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We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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Doc, are ya sure she wasn't a Female Lawyer?? They will most certainly squeeze ya until ya cough up the last nickle.......LOL

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Doc


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Morris returns  from the doctor and tells his wife that the  
doctor has told  him that he has only 24 hours to live.
  
Given the  prognosis, Morris
asks his wife for sex.
  
Naturally, she  agrees, so
they make love.
 
About 6 hours later,  the
husband goes to his wife and says,
  
'Honey, you  know I now have
only 18 hours to live.
  
Could we please  do it one
more time?'
 
Of course, the wife  agrees,
and they do it again.
 
Later, as the man gets  into
bed, he looks at his watch
 
and realizes that he now  has
only 8 hours left.
 
He touches his  wife's
shoulder and asks,
 
'Honey, please... just  one
more time before I die.'
 
She says, 'Of course,  Dear,'
and they make love for the third  time.
 
After this session, the wife
rolls over and  falls to sleep.
 
Morris, however, worried  about his impending death,
 
tosses and turns, until  he's down to 4 more hours.
 
He taps his wife, who  rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours..
  
Do you think  we
could...?'
 
At this point the wife  sits
up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is  enough
 
I have to get up in the morning... you  don't.'



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We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.

Doc


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A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died?  Would you get married Again?"
 HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
 WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." 
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" 
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Damn."

-- Edited by Doc on Sunday 18th of April 2010 10:33:38 AM

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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The cowboy replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado .. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

'Oh, no, everybody's just fine, ' he explains, 'It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.'

'Hasn't affected my brothers though..'


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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...


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Doc


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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his  mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure  
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.  Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'  Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know,Sir.  I'm only here to wash  your upper body.'  He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'  Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her  embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.  Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong   with them, Sir !!'  The man pulls off his oxygen mask,  
smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
      ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k ?'



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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Fred! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.


'Oh no,' says Fred..  'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she
 know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
  I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi  Freddie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club...

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.


Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch this time.'



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A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Coors Light and puts it in their cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.
"Put them back! We can't afford them," orders the wife.
They carry on shopping.
A few aisles farther on the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.
"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.
Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Coors Light, and it's half the price."


Cleanup on aisle 25: We have a husband down!

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An American tourist goes on a trip to China . While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple bumps.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: 'I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.
We know very little about it'. The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'. The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'. The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice'.
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease'.
The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that!, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'
What, cut you dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!' 'Oh Thank God!', the man replies..
'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself! You save money.'


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DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for a business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said , 'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,' pretending to eat them

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied,
'What happened to my booger?'


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true story. goy told this to me today at a local car cruise.

how do you make black blacker?


add "E" "R"....


dont worry it took me a while to get it too. To bad the joke was on him... my car is green LMAO!!!!! :lol:

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As Shown In November 2011 Super Chevy Magazine with a magnafying glass...

Doc


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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"


"Well, husband #1 was a
Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in
Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from
Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in
Telemarketing; even though he knew he had theorder, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an
Engineer,he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from
Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in
Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a
Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a
Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a
Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
GOVERNMENT,this time I knowI'm gonna get screwed." 
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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Cardiologist Funeral

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I'm a gynecologist. "


That's when the proctologist fainted.


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5th grade class assignment

  The Woman Marine Pilot

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

 

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all

she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't  break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets,

killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

 

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher.

'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

 

"Stay away from Mommy when she's been drinking."



-- Edited by firegirl68 on Monday 2nd of August 2010 03:14:36 PM

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It's a man's obligation to stick his boneration in a women's separation; this sort of penetration will increase the population of the younger generation.


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A guy was walking down the beach and saw a girl laying there crying. She had no arms and no legs. He asked her why she was crying.

She said, "Because I've lived my whole life and have never been kissed."

He felt bad for her so he knelt down and gave her a nice, wet kiss on the lips. He then began to walk away when he heard her start crying again. He turned to her and asked, "Why are you crying now?"

She said, "Because I've lived by whole life and have never been focked."

He knelt down, picked her up, threw her into the ocean, yelled, "Well, you're focked now!", and walked away.

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Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point!
... Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is *Fiji Islands*

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four
young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.


To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has
no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from
school and go get dinner.


-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 9th of September 2010 08:20:39 PM

-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 9th of September 2010 08:21:50 PM

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Last Night I was talkin to an attractive young women

She asked me if I prefered legs or breasts

I wispered to her what I really liked

Apparently, i'm not allowed in KFC anymore

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Paraprosdokian sentences : A figure of speech that uses an unexpected ending to a series or phrase.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.



Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine


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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day,
She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes,
The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank,
Our prayers have been answered!


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What a Real Woman Does

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought
he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's
the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible........


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...Never mind....

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intimadatorsquizz wrote:

What a Real Woman Does

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought
he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest
emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's
the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible........


No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...Never mind....



OMG JIM... LMAO... and here I thought we had tapped into your sensitive side... should have seen that coming!!


 



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A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.'


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Why I’m divorced.........

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.


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Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

These three old ladies and their dogs were
sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation
when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher came up to the ladies,
stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.


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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on
newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air,
catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into
the ceiling. "Who stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"I'm gonna have another beer and if my horse ain't back outside by
the time I'm finished, I'm gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I
don't want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He
saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, what
happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home!"

__________________

There is no such thing as Too Many Montes
Member of the Motley Cruisers Car Club


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