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Post Info TOPIC: Joke Of The Day


Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Oct 21, 2010
RE: Joke Of The Day
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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Oct 21, 2010
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A husband says to his wife,

“What would you do if I won the Lottery?”

She says,

“Why, I'd take half, and then I'd leave you !”

He says, “Excellent, because, I won $12. Here's 6 bucks, now get the f*#k out !"

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The $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends' little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President of the United States. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there. So I asked her, "If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed.

"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50.

Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "How about having the homeless guy come over to your house and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"

I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me




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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Oct 30, 2010
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.


The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.


This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..


The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'




The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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It is a Dark and Stormy Night


Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:






"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"




(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)


What did you expect....it's free from a demented friend on the Internet?


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A Texas Cowboy

A Texas cowboy was tending to his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the Government." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy, "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........ Now give me back my dog."


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Why I'm depressed - - - - -
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel: "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.

Nearly 75 years ago( when welfare was introduced), Roosevelt said" Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land.

I was so depressed last night thinking about the Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . . I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.......

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.....



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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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Today's humor

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Parents Drink..........

A father passing by his son's bedroom was
astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything
was picked up. Then he saw an

Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was
addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with
trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid
a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so
nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her
piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that
she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the
passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood
for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more
children..

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't
really hurt anyone.

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the
other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure
for AIDS so Stacy
can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you
can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over
at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are
worse things in life than a "Report Card" that's in my center
desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home...

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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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6 Truths of Life

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Six Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

















2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie and feel superior because they can do it.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.


I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

And I know you have a sense of humor and some teeth.

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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Nov 24, 2010
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A woman from Los Angeles, CA who is a tree hugger, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Colville, WA.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She
wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to
climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a Spotted Owl
that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to
the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She
told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how
she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with
great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he
would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman
demanded, "What took you so long?"

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

~ GOD BLESS AMERICA




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Date: Dec 13, 2010
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Friendly Holiday Advice

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by tushi holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and poop like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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firegirl68 wrote:



This means that the remaining 77% are caused by tushi holes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and poop like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.



Hey I resemble that remark! biggrin

 



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Tools

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.



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Bath Night




A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could

have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but

if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......



"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.



The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....



After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled

the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that

the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."



So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"



"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"



"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed she was hirsute below.



When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"



"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours?"



"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."



"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"





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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES THAT WORK:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE
TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A
FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A
TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT
TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.



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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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i need to post some of these lol

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Doc


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I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00 
I said "May I have large bills, please           
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."

When I got up off the floor laughing I explained it to her....



IDIOT  SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know. I already got that  side
 .'

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton , MS

    
 
IDIOTSIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired. 
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. 

He said, 'NO, it's  not..' Four is larger than two.'         

We  haven't used Sears repair since.


  IDIOT  SIGHTING
   My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. 
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. 
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  

She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. 
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' 
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.  
  
Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.
 

 
    

IDIOT  SIGHTING
 
I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. 
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! 
I don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'


From  Kingman ,  KS
  



IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE

My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell   and ordered a taco. 

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' 
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

  -- From   Kansas City  



IDIOT  SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' 
To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' 
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened in   Birmingham ,   Ala.
 



  IDIOT  SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. 

I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. 
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. 
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'

She  was a probation officer in   Wichita , KS    

   
   

IDIOT SIGHTING
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' 

our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' 
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas  Instruments.

 

IDIOT SIGHTING
   
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself 

and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. 

A deputy with the   Dallas   County   Sheriffs office, no less.
  

 


-- Edited by Doc on Saturday 19th of February 2011 01:08:46 PM

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A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."


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Finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.
Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth; I grabbed him right behind the head,
took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.
I grabbed my bottle of Jack Da niels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back
and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on my fishing with the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same damn snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.



Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get
away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence..

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

__________________

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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A guy is driving around
the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house:
'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and
the owner appears and tells him the dog is in
the backyard.

The guy goes into the
backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting
there.

'You talk?' he
asks.

'Yep,' the Lab
replies.

After
the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog
talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and
says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the
government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all
they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders,
because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running. But the jetting
around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle
down.. I signed up for a job at the airport to
do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was
awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a
mess of puppies, and now I'm just
retired..'

The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the
guy says.

'Ten dollars? This
dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?'

'Because he's a
liar. He never did any of that crap.

__________________

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation
or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have
the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child
turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told

her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child
support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as
her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.


On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to
paint the seat on their toilet.

Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of
another matter before she returned..

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.
As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without
any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped
a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.



The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).
Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,
"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."


The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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THE TINY CABIN


A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

Government workers are so very smart. Aren't you overjoyed that they'll soon be handling
all our financial, educational and medical dilemmas?


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Feb 19, 2011
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A professor at the University of Wisconsin was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your butthole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 15 minutes to restore order in the classroom.


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Doc


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A blond heard that milk baths would make her beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.


The blonde came to the door and the milkman said; "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'


(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS....)

The blonde said;

"No, just up to my boobs.
I can splash it on my eyes."



__________________

Jay - 86 Monte LS

We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



Senior Member

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Date: Mar 2, 2011
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This is a must have!!

I had a flat tire on I-90 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!!!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!

People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know....SO I told him......


Well DUH...I explained to the angry Policeman.....

They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

'BUNCH OF NAKED MEN FACING BACWARDS'  (i deleted picture if anyone wants too see iy let me know)

I go to court in MARCH.

(Damn Police. No sense of humor. )

-- Edited by 87z16 on Wednesday 2nd of March 2011 09:33:42 PM

__________________
1987 Aerocoupe - stock
1985 SS rebuilt LT1 rebuilt 4L60e rebuilt 3.42 posi handling brake upgrades too much rebuilding not enuff mileage!


Moderator

Status: Offline
Posts: 2150
Date: Mar 3, 2011
Permalink Closed

: President's Day
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I was eating lunch today with my 10 year old grandson when his
> mom asked
> him
>
>
>
>
> "What is tomorrow?" He said "It's President's Day"
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> She asked "What does that mean?" .... I was waiting for
> something
> profound...
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> He said
>
>
>
>
> "President's Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and
> if he sees
> his shadow,
>
>
>
>
> we have 2 more years of unemployment."
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> I almost snorted my iced tea.


__________________
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www.wickedridesnj.com
www.wickedmontes.com


Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Mar 5, 2011
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The light Turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing,stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through theintersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming In frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem o n the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Mar 5, 2011
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A motorcycle patrolman was rushed
to the hospital with an

inflamed appendix. The
doctors operated and advised

him that all was well; however, the
patrolman kept feeling

something pulling at the hairs in
his crotch. Worried that

it might be a second surgery and
the doctors hadn't told him

about it, he finally got enough
energy to pull his hospital gown

up enough so he could look at what
was making him so

uncomfortable. Taped firmly across
his pubic hair and private

parts were three wide strips of
adhesive tape, the kind that

doesn't come off easily --- if at
all. Written on the tape in

large black letters was the
sentence, 'Get well soon . from the

nurse in the Jeep you pulled over
last week.'



Kinda brings tears to your eyes doesn't
it.

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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Mar 11, 2011
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I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted, took my money and gave me a receipt.



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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Mar 13, 2011
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SUMBICH!

A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors.

He also invited Leroy, the only Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in.

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash. Everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its rear! Leroy was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising heck.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at
him in disbelief. Finally the host says, 'Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.

'
'No, that's okay. I don't want It,' said Leroy.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?'

No thanks, I don't want it,' answered Leroy.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?'Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well, Leroy, then what do you want?'

Leroy said, 'I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!'





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Senior Member

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Date: Mar 24, 2011
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Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK
AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS..
HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!


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__________________


I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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Date: May 12, 2011
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A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite counter tops."


__________________
~Angela~







Senior Member

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Date: May 13, 2011
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The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community
through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his
wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children,
one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had
no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the opps
makes you think I'd give any to you?"

__________________
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SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me... But it worked! I hauled her fat A$$ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.





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Doc


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Date: Jul 2, 2011
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Proof that Men Have Better Friends

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's ten best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's ten best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


__________________

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We'll be Friends till we're old and senile.... then we'll be New Friends.



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Date: Jul 13, 2011
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An old country preacher......had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects..


1. A Bible.....?


2. A silver dollar.....?


3. A bottle of whisky......?


4. And a Playboy magazine.....?


'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for

Congress.'


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Jul 22, 2011
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EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .

'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab. '
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald ,
San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

' Big breaths, ' . . I instructed.
' Yes, they used to be, ' . . . Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
Reporting to the rest of the family that he had
Died of a ' massive internal fart. '

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up
Appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
Me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications.
'Which one? ' . .. . I asked. ' The patch...
The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it! '
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair ,
Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, ' How long have you been bedridden? '
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive. '

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . ' So how's your breakfast this morning? ' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.' . Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled ' KY Jelly. '

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf ,
Detroit ,


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
When a young woman with purple hair styled
Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
Of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
Entered . . ... It was quickly determined that
The patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
Scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating
Table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
Been dyed green and above it there was a
Tattoo that read . . . ' Keep off the grass. '

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
Wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
Which said ' Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn. '

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . ... . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
Pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . ...
I'm sorry. Was I tickling you? '
She replied with tears running down
Her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener . '

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....








1 MORE


Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..

' Well, strip down to your waist, ' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ' No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk. '

I know, ' she said, ' I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'.


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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Aug 12, 2011
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I know I'll catch grief for this one, But...

Two blondes from Ontario were going to Disneyland They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.












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Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Aug 12, 2011
Permalink Closed

CATHOLIC SHAMPOO






TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING AT A 7-11 STORE..

AS THEY PASSED BY THE BEER COOLER, ONE NUN SAID TO THE OTHER, " WOULDN'T A NICE COOL BEER OR TWO TASTE WONDERFUL ON A HOT SUMMER EVENING?"

THE SECOND NUN ANSWERED, "INDEED IT WOULD, SISTER, BUT I WOULD NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE BUYING BEER, SINCE I AM CERTAIN IT WOULD CAUSE A SCENE AT THE CHECKOUT STAND."

"I CAN HANDLE THAT WITHOUT A PROBLEM" THE OTHER NUN REPLIED, AND SHE PICKED UP A SIX-PACK AND HEADED FOR THE CHECK-OUT.

THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN THE TWO NUNS ARRIVED WITH A SIX-PACK OF BEER. "WE USE BEER FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE NUN SAID, "BACK AT OUR CONVENT, WE CALL IT CATHOLIC SHAMPOO".

WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE, THE CASHIER REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER. PULLED OUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZEL STICKS, AND PLACED THEM IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER.

HE THEN LOOKED THE NUN STRAIGHT IN THE EYE, SMILED, AND SAID, "THE CURLERS ARE ON THE HOUSE.





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Ma was in the
kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and
fix the outhouse!"


Pa replies, "There
ain't nuthin wrong


with the
outhouse."


Ma yells back, "Yes
there is, now git


out there and fix
it."





So Pa mosies out to
the outhouse,


looks around and
yells back, "Ma!


There ain't nuthin
wrong with the outhouse!"


"Ma replies, "Stick
yur head in the hole!"


Pa yells back, "I
ain't stickin my head in that hole!


"Ma says, "Ya have
to stick yur head


in the hole to see
what to fix."





So with that, Pa
sticks his head in


the hole, looks
around and yells back,


"Ma! There ain't
nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"


Ma hollers back,
"Now take your head out of the hole!"


Pa proceeds to pull
his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck
in the cracks in the toilet seat!"


To which Ma
replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"









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FAST SEX!
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone else.
One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The girl looked at him and then said, "NO!"
Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.
So she called him and explained the situation. Her boy friend says, "Ask him for $200 and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down. Then give me a call."
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over 30 minutes go by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What happened?"
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.

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Tale of a responsible Texan

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River; he was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying.
Along with him was an illegal Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back.
If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown.
Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff's Office and Homeland Security.
It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps...




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SEX AFTER DEATH


A couple made a deal that whoever died
first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after
death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no
after-life at all.


After a long life together, the husband
was the first to die.


True to his word, he made the first
contact:


"Judy...........Judy"


"Is that you,
George?"


"Yes, I've come back like we
agreed."


"That's wonderful! What's it like?"


"Well, I get up in the morning, I have
sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf
course.


I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -
lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have
sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course
again.


Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over
again"


"Oh, George...are you in
Heaven?"



"No...........I'm a rabbit in Kansas


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I Live my life in such a way that when my feet hit the floor in the morning...Satan shudders & says "Oh shit, he's awake!"



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lol. that is indecent exposure mr. police constable. AT least Annette likes it. ......lol...lmfao...

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LMAO!!! Now that is a visual that I could have done without!

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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought ‘what the heck’.
So she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, ........









"A Chihuahua? They gave me a freaking Chihuahua ???!"




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