LOL

LOL!!!

Dave, that was with my blessing I just love that joke, my boss sent it too me, it was funny though.......

I called my friend the Doc Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, the doc showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point
passing briefly through Minneapolis.

Then the doc explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my
brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'

I left the doc's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called ' MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I
had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and
urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but,
have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my spouse drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
spurt on the doc?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered
what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom,
so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no
choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
the doc was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew the doc had it hidden around there somewhere.
I was seriously nervous at this point.

The doc had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to the doc that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be
the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said the doc, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was
back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

The doc was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when the doc told me that it was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an
internal organ.


On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all:

12. 'Could you write a note for my spouse saying that my head is not up
there?'

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he C RIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM O.K.?!!'

Mrs doc wrote:

---

Dave, verrrry nice, love your new sig

---

Thank you, Joe does great work doesn't he?

 

-- Edited by Doc on Tuesday 8th of September 2009 07:27:21 PM

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 

 

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. 

 

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. 

 

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. May I ask your name?" 

 

"Morris Fishbein," he replied. 

 

"Sir,” she asked, “How long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" 

 

"For about 60 years."

 

"Sixty years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" 

 

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.  I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." 

 

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

-- Edited by Doc on Monday 14th of September 2009 06:20:32 PM

Very funny Doc, but so true now a days.  Seems like Customer service, means the customer must "service" the representatives!  Never can get a straight answer, just a bunch of corpspeak.

Old  Fart Football  

An  old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the  old man passes gas and says,  'Seven Points.'  

His  wife rolls over and says, 'What in the
world was  that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart  football.'

A few minutes later his  wife lets one go and
says
'Touchdown,  tie score.'

After about five  minutes the old man lets
another one go and says,  
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'  

Not  to be outdone the wife rips out another
one and  says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'  

Five seconds go by and she lets  out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal,  I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.  

He refuses to get beaten by a  woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat  is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's  got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.  

The wife says, 'What the hell was  that?'

The  old man says, 'Half time, switch  sides.  

-- Edited by Doc on Sunday 27th of September 2009 09:23:11 AM

-- Edited by Doc on Tuesday 29th of September 2009 06:44:02 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Ms. Unflat:
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store.  We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Unflat, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to
leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor
that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose
time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.


-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 22nd of October 2009 08:10:13 PM

-- Edited by Doc on Friday 30th of October 2009 01:36:46 PM

But oh so true, Anthony.....

Good one Dave!!!

Things you notice when you get "older".

Dirty old man hmmmmmmmm post more lol

The Maniac is embarrased

F16 vs. C-130



A C-130 was lumbering along when a ****y F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.


The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly
went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot
asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?


The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130
pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'
The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a
cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!
When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!

We older folks understand this one

Geritol & Viagra Doc, works every time!!!..................LOL

Two guys, one old timer and one young, were pushing their carts
around Costco when they collide.

The old timer said to the young guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy said, "That's OK.  It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too.  I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy said, "Well, maybe we can help each other.  What does your wife
look like?"

The young guy replied, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra.  What does your wife look like?"

The old timer said, "It doesn't matter.  Let's look for yours."

 Most old timers are helpful like that!

-- Edited by Tonys57chevy on Saturday 13th of February 2010 03:11:55 PM

Ok Doc is going to love this one! LOL!

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=7lSliucgygc

-- Edited by twomanymontes on Saturday 20th of February 2010 08:19:19 PM

I knew you'd like that one! LOL!

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."