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firegirl68


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Date: Mar 16, 2011
This made me :)
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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said  in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment  of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:     He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:     My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the  impact?

WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

 ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:     I forget..

ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

________________________________________

 ATTORNEY:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in  voodoo?

WITNESS:     We both do.

ATTORNEY:  Voodoo?

WITNESS:     We do..

ATTORNEY:  You do?

WITNESS:     Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?

WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your  IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:     Are you poopting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:     Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?

WITNESS:     Yes.

ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?

WITNESS:    None.

ATTORNEY:   Were there any  girls?

WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:     By death..

ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:     Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with  male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:     Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the  body?

WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood  pressure?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:     No..

ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:     No.

ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

___________________________________



-- Edited by firegirl68 on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 01:25:46 PM

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~Angela~
Mrs doc


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Date: Mar 16, 2011
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rofl.gif this is too funny, thanks for the laugh Ang.....sheesh, the stupidity of some people..no.gif scares you doesn't it?

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black07ss


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Date: Mar 16, 2011
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VERY FUNNY ANGELA!!!

-- Edited by black07ss on Wednesday 16th of March 2011 01:23:33 PM

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BOB
twomanymontes


Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

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Date: Mar 16, 2011
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Funny, but did anyone else notice the idiots for the most part are the attornies? These guys are the ones that make the laws and run for political offices! Thats Scary!

Thats why we need Anthony in office!!! He'll straighten things out!!!

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mattthias


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Date: Mar 16, 2011
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lol

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knightfan26917


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Date: Mar 26, 2011
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ROFLOL!!!!!!

OMG ... I am bursting out laughing right now. Ang ... so glad I read this tonight ... needed the laughs. Thank you, darlin'.


Among my favs:

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

---

ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.

---

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

---

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

---

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

---

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

---

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.


ROFLOL!!!!!!

:)



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dduffy24


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Date: Mar 29, 2011
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That's about right. Thanks for the laugh.

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Montess2k


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Date: Mar 29, 2011
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I've seen a few of these before, there are some others they missed, one off the top of my head was my favorite:

Judge: I have decided to give your wife $300 a month

Plantiff: That's Nice you're honor, I'll try and throw in a few bucks myself


lol...I'll try to post more when I get home,
Joe

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