Joke Of The Day

Doc · Administrator

Joke Of The Day

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he
doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious rare condition where
his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least
five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture. "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed
while a nurse performed oral sex on
him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again the
doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those *******s at Home Depot ever deliver the f-in' sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye - doesn't it?

Doc · Administrator

A young boy goes to confession....

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Doc · Administrator

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor of a small town in Ireland. One day he was walking down the high street, when he noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the woman. "Miss Fitzgerald", he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home" "Sure", she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar she began to weave back and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top Of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The pub landlord looked over and said,"Oi mate, we won't have any of that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fluff. The landlord nodded and said, "Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.

firegirl68 · Moderator

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

THE WEDDING NIGHT

Paul and Mary get married

but couldn't afford a honeymoon -
so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house

for their first night together.

In the morning
Johnny - Paul's little brother -

gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door

to go to school - he asks his mom

if Paul and Mary are up yet.

She replies - No.

Johnny asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - I don't want to hear

what you think !

Just go to school.

Johnny comes home for lunch

and asks his mom -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

She replies - No.

Johnny says - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Never mind what you think !

Eat your lunch and go back to school ..

After school - Johnny comes home and asks again -
Are Paul and Mary up yet ?

His mom says - No.

He asks - Do you know what I think ?

His mom replies - Ok - now tell me what you think

He says - Last night Paul came to my room for the

Vaseline and I think..

I gave him my airplane glue.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo poop. It means someone stole tent.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give oral sex!'

'Oral Sex!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more oral for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ..

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this Less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his
test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the
telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2.. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number
was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature!

Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life .. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Tom shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!! "

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had
been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy,
emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry
list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the male therapist got up, walked around the desk, and after asking the
wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband
watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife
needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays,... I fish.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A gas station in Mississippi was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex..

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."

Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A woman drops off a shirt at the cleaners...
On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"...
The woman says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey b*tch!"

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

How to get to Heaven

I was testing children in my Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting t o heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and
gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!' By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the children,
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'. I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv gotta be dead!"

Tonys57chevy · Moderator

New Discovery

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York archeologists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: "California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."

One week later, The Jersey Journal, a local newspaper in New Jersey, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his back yard , Vinny 'The Salamie' Manziano, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Vinny has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, New Jersey had already gone wireless."

Doc · Administrator

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator  and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
     Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up.
     The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily  and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

DARN! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Doc · Administrator

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in
The middle of the night, in search of a glass of
Water.

Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
Peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh,
Boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more
Uncomfortable questions, and seeing the
Opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy!

This is the part where me and the postman usually get
Bucked off!"

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Hung Chow

calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got

headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I

feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes

everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I

be at work soon.....You got nice house.'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STORY

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, “It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.”

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.

He continued, then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife.

She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me sir, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her

Doc · Administrator

little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

      Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

      'What's that mean?' asked the child.

      'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

      The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Bella for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

      Dad said, 'Bring Bella over here' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said   'OK, you can go now, but keep Bella on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Bella?'

      ( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

The economy is so bad that...

Jewish women are marrying for love.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you
call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their
children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges..

And finally...

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Hey, neat! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $750 Billion disappear!

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit,

They passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny..

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now.. Tell him you have a headache."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres' The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.' The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said, 'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

If you receive an email

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

canned pork

because of

swine flu............

Ignore it.

It's just Spam.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A guy from Buffalo dies and is sent to Hell He had been a horrible man

his entire life.

The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To

make it worse, he cranks up the temperature and the humidity.

After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he

is suffering adequately. The devil is baffled as the guy from Buffalo is

happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.

The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've

turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so

happy?"

The guy from Buffalo , with a big smile, looks at the devil and

replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in Buffalo . Hot, humid,

a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the remarks of the

guy from Buffalo . Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a

driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess.

Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the guy

from Buffalo is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow

full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The guy from Buffalo replies, "This is great! Just like April in

Buffalo . It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!"

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the guy

from Buffalo suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly

Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make

the guy from Buffalo unhappy, the devil checks in on him.

He is again shocked at what he sees The guy from Buffalo is dancing,

singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know its 40 below zero!?" screams

the devil.

Jumping up and down, the guy from Buffalo throws a snowball at the

devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over! This means the Buffalo won the Super

Bowl."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Subject: Fw: Teachers vs. Educators

Lipstick in schools

According to a news
report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently
faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the
bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their
lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving
dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints
were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to
clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the
yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet,
and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been
no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators...

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN - DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with her and her friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. But, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone KNOWS what happens there.

PART B: MAN - DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He's thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

I love these.....

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie....... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

THIS ONE'S FOR DOC

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home. Sixty is the worst
age to be," said the 60- year-old. You always feel like you have to pee.
And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on
a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and poop every
morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Doc · Administrator

Mrs doc · Moderator

very cute Jim biggrin

firegirl68 · Moderator

Parental Pride...

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

-- Edited by Doc on Thursday 29th of October 2009 04:44:32 PM

Doc · Administrator

The Jewish man said, 'Last week, my wife and I had great sex.

I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love,

and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!'

The Frenchman boasted, 'Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love And she screamed for 10 minutes!'

The Italian man said, 'Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, And she s creamed for over six hours!'

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, 'What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?'

The Italian said.............

I wiped my hands on the bedspread

firegirl68 · Moderator

OH NO~ !!! LOL Jay.. You know who that reminds me of??? LOL

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip had been a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
'Good trade.....'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hellow, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the
beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming)

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.

For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.

"What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it.That'll thaw it out."

“Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you."

The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Just think if the Indians gave the Pilgrims a Donkey instead of a turkey, We'd all be getting a piece of ass for Thanksgiving...

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that? Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. What the hell is that? she asked.
My brother quickly explained, It's a doll.
Who would play with something like that? Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
Where are her clothes? Granny continued.
Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran, Jay said, to steer her into dining room.
But Granny was relentless. Why doesn't she have any teeth?
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, Hang on Granny, hang on!
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Tonys57chevy · Moderator

Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I
shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the
dining room table.

My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty.
About my being 54 years old, I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at
our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will
be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18
years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math,
you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one
small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

-- Edited by Doc on Friday 13th of November 2009 02:56:39 PM

firegirl68 · Moderator

Sorry MD.. It was too good to pass up....

They were doing a password varification at a major Corporation..

The Blonde receptionist was asked to log in to her computer. She typed her password...

MiniMickeyDonaldGoofySleepyDocGrumpyDopySacramento

The Administrator asked why did you pick such a long password, she replied.. "You asked for 8 Characters and a Capital"

Mrs doc · Moderator

Angela, you too?????

LOL

-- Edited by Mrs doc on Friday 13th of November 2009 07:00:58 PM

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

LOL! Now Ang needs to bring flowers!

Doc · Administrator

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

-- Edited by Doc on Saturday 14th of November 2009 01:51:31 PM

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a older retired Cop in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired Cop and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old Retired Cop replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

Donutboy97 · Moderator-Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

ok, first, and probably last post in the Joke thread.... as some like to think that my Jokes are worse than my singing...

anyways..

True story.

i went to get gas today and next to me was a lady pumpin gas into her Dodge Caliber. Thats when i noticed that her tail light was 1/3 full of fluid. I couldn't help but say, "hey your blinker fluid is down 2/3 of a tank"

Good Night!!!!

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

the new Tigers woods portait

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Firefighter
>
> If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.
>
> A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed
> a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the
> sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
>
> The girl was wearing a fire fighters helmet.
>
> The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
>
> The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. That sure is a nice fire
> truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.' Thanks,' the girl replied.
> The firefighter looked a little closer.
>
> The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
>
> 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run
> your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think
> you could go faster.
>
> The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I
> wouldn't have a siren.