THIS IS FREAKING HILLARIOUS


ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to one side as to say, 'don't do it dippoop,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

almost just like the tazer gun one but better.


This is a true story also

The setting
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just poop your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "opps!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- poop, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

Here's the warning label..lol



-- Edited by intimadatorsquizz on Monday 14th of December 2009 11:02:05 AM

T'was the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house

Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,

'Cuz a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.

Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,

With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,

Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,

When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',

Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,

"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."

She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,

Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies





1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup or brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila



Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl,
check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter
in a large fluffy bowl.



Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point
it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another
cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup
of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.



If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry
it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves
a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can
find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall
over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.



Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.
Cherry Mistmas !

Little Susie comes home from school.

She tells he mom " all the boys want me to do cartwheels"

Mom says " No don't do them, All they want to see is your undies"

Susie says "yeah I know, thats why I leave them in my back pack!"

Not really a Joke, but well worth the 4 minutes to watch!

http://www.thatvideosite.com/video/best_fails_of_2009

TEN PEEVES THAT DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS


'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!

----------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A DAMN DOG

--------------------------------------------------
' 3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?


--------------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!

--------------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.


--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


--------------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting
surprised when I freak out every time we go back!


---- ----------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.


--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
--------------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

------------------------- -------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!


If you mated a Bulldog and a poopzu would it be called BullS*@!

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife,
and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St.. Peter said, 'You died in
your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live
for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back,
and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his
home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers,
clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first
day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big
deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon
laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of
his head, and heard his wife yell.....

BOB, wake up. You sh*t the bed!'

New bike
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the
back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got
there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa:
The penis goes underneath the horse, not on top.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.


After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back....
Tiger

A son asked his mother the following question:
'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'



The mother looks at her son and replies:
'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.



'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'


The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Subject: The most sportmans like act ever





Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Pennsylvania on the opening day of deer season.

They both spotted a large trophy class buck meandering towards them.

As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by. The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past. Of course by then, the deer was gone.

The other hunter exclaimed, "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed. You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!"

The first hunter nodded and said, "Well, we were married for 42 years."

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all
day long.  
   No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just
couldn't. The guilt
   and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear
   an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:
   
   
   Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical
practitioner to
   have sex with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're
   single.  Just let it go, Dave.' But invariably another voice in
his head
   would bring him back to reality whispering:
   
   
   Dave...........




Dave...........





You're a Veterinarian, you sick bastard!

An elderly man in Eastern Tennessee had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some
picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond
was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been
there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When
he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in
his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the
deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you
ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, 'I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin.'

The husband replies, 'That's no big thing in this day and age.'

The wife continues, 'Yeah, I've been with one guy.'

'Oh yeah? Who was the guy?'

'Tiger Woods..'

'Tiger Woods, the golfer?'

'Yeah.'

'Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.'

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

'What are you doing?' asks the wife.

The husband says, 'I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

'He'd come back to bed and do it a second time.'

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

'Now what are you doing?' she asks.

The husband says, 'I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.'

'Tiger wouldn't do that.'

'Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?'

He'd come back to bed and do it again.'

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat.

He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, 'Are you calling room service?'

'No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.'

As part of an experiment a Teacher gave the kids
some flavored Lifesaver candies and asked them to identify the flavor

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all Honey lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'  I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Well, one night a boy and his girlfriend are out on a date and as the boy pull in his girlfriends drive-way to let her out she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents. The boy agrees and the girl says to him that after dinner they will make love. Well the boy agrees and as he is on his way home, he thinks to himself ,"This will be my first time sleeping with someone, so before I go over to her house ill stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms". Well that day went by and they young boy was on his way to the pharmacy , and as he purchased the condoms the pharmacist gives him a mean look, the boy thinks nothing of it and goes on. Well, when the boy is at his girlfriends house, her mother asks him to say the blessing before dinner, well the boy is going on and on about stuff during the prayer and his girlfriend leans to him and says " I didn't know you were such a religious person" and the boy says back " I didn't know your dad is a pharmacist".

Jim that about sums it up too!

We took out a Cadillac Escalade for a test drive, just to drive that sucker
before they become extinct.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and all it's wonderful
options. The seats were of particular interest.
He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter
and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car.

He asked why I thought it was a Republican car and I explained that if it
were a Democratic car, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.