Joke Of The Day

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

RE: Joke Of The Day

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

I was talking to a friend the other day,

He Said, The sex between the wife and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late,
so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that
will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and
tossed her the diet pills!
......almost got me killed!

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO

paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where

skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,

attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the

practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks,

and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back,

he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't

want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if

there is an error in the grade?" "The instructor said, "During the exam,

you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total

mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth

50%of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave

you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've

never seen done in my entire career".

Doc · Administrator

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

"It's Frankie. The midget."

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic
and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every
closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had
looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

THe Winning Lotto Ticket

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring.

"Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well, she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat.

Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again, so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari, You guessed it: Her share of the lotto winnings...

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the bath plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies: "We don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?"

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to
discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time,
attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she
could not raise her leg.
With little smile to the driver, she
again reached behind to unzip
a little more and again was unable to
make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was
standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and
placed her gently on the
step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be
Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!
I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped
my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, butt-naked, and holding his 'you-know-what' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that damn breathalyzer test again!!!'

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better, when they're not full of crap.

No need to thank me, I just try to learn something new every day

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic...and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass...and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until the first Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The neighbors called the Priest immediately, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

God Loves Drunk People Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A guy from Saskatchewan went out duck hunting in the fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lyin g in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor
"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot." "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

85montanezSS · Senior Member

Doc wrote:
Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.
He stops, inhales quite deeply  and says that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, the woman can't stand it anymore. She takes her  issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.
The supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
  "It's Frankie. The midget."

Good one Doc lmao.

85montanezSS · Senior Member

twomanymontes you have some funny jokes man i hope you going to the Sea Pirate campground cause i would like to here more.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

These are all jokes that get sent to me by email, I'm really not the funny.

And No Sea Pirate for me this year, My wife graduated from College, so traveling is limited this year

intimadatorsquizz · Moderator

this picture is damn hillarious.

-- Edited by intimadatorsquizz on Wednesday 30th of May 2012 04:34:36 PM

zenloser · Senior Member

That pic has gotten me in trouble.

firegirl68 · Moderator

Friends

Four friends, who hadn' seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party...
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to clime to the top of the corp ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of it's assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said "well that is terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and now he is a multimillionaire.... He gave his best friend a 30,000 sqare ft mansion for his birthday!

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom, he asked " what are al the congrats for? One said, we are all proud of our sons they are successful an our pride and joys.... what about your son?"

The fourth man replied: My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The 3 friends said: what a shame.. what a disappointment" The fourth man replied: "No I am not ashamed.. he's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. For his birthday, he received a Beautiful 30,000 ft mansion, a Jet, and a brand new Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends!

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

I know I'llbe in deep Crap for these, But I just had too!!! Sorry Ma!

A friend told the blond: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

------------------------------------

Two blonds find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

------------------------------------

A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".

The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

------------------------------------

A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------------------------------

A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

------------------------------------

A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic.

Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.

"Here boy!" she replies.

------------------------------------

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

------------------------------------

(This one actually makes sense...lol)

An Italian tourist asks a blonde: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Sitting at a stop light.........

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business,

patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American

slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of

their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and took off before

the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection

and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man...that

could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Two Blondes and a Sod Truck...

Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

The Haircut

_A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his
mother as to when they could discuss his use of the car._

_His mother said she'd make a deal with her son, "You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair
cut. Then we'll talk about the car."_

_The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it._

_After about six weeks his mother said, "Son, you've brought your
grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."_

_The boy said, "You know, Mom I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair."_

_(__You're going to love Mom's reply!)_

_"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" _

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Recently, at an Irish wedding reception, someone yelled...

"Would all the married men, please stand next to the one
person who has made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Mrs doc · Moderator

Now they were very funny...thank you Dave.. BUT you know where you went wrong....enough said

-- Edited by Mrs doc on Sunday 15th of July 2012 08:10:15 AM

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

I knew it!! Hey Tim, Remind me to stop for flowers on our way Friday!!! I'm in trouble again!!! LMAO!!!

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
Real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says,

'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind LickManeuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Mrs doc · Moderator

Oiiiiiii !!!!!!

twomanymontes · Moderator - Monte Hunter Lead Investigator

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops!